And even here I try to censor myself, try to find words that deflect how I feel or minimise it so it doesn't really tell my story. Hide behind clever imagery and disjointed words that pose as some sort of superficial poetry.
I downplay my rage, my pain, my chaos in an effort to not be "melodramatic".
As if I don't deserve it. As if my own emotions don't mean a thing. As if I, mySELF, don't mean a thing.
Someone just told me I'm a good person. My reaction was to have to run to the toilet to hide my tears.
Why can I not be a good person? Why must every nice thing said to me be a lie?
Those 4 words just broke through my mask completely. The mask that I have perfected to reflect the joy and brightness I wish I had. I used to have. I used to shine! I want to shine again.
How dare that person say such a wonderful thing to me. How dare he! How dare he touch that thing in me that tries to hard to hide. How dare he direct any kind of kindness at me. How dare his words cause that tiny crack to let things out.
How dare I stop those things from coming out. How dare I avert my eyes in shame in response to such wonderful words.
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