My journey

So...my journey.

Sigh.

Thoughts met with emptiness. I hate how the good stuff wears off so easily. Is it truly a choice to make it stay?

I found faith. it came via Jared Leto of all things. But I found it. End of Days. Live. Changed my life. I felt free.

Except...life has gone back to the way it was.

Does that mean things need to change, or is that just the way of things?

I tried shrooms for the first time. Last week.

It was horrible at first. Truly...because I couldn't let go. Realised how much I have a need to control myself. Then let go. It was good. I FELT my emotions. Really truly felt them and couldn't stop crying. Connected with myself. Was amazed by the world around me. It felt so good to be free. Just like I've always wanted. I tasted heaven and I KNOW it is inside me. But now..it has faded as well. Yeah the drugs wore off, so it makes sense that this would too. But why...why should it be like that? I found it. I found what I crave, what I hunger for. Freedom. Why does that have to fade as well?

I want to be amazed by every day life. I want to feel without restraint. Like I used to. Yes we all grow up and change...but those 2 things should be fundamental parts of who I am. In my opinion anyway. They felt right. They felt real. They made me happy. Why should they fade?

It's just...empty.

Do I like to be sad? Yes. Why? Because I know how to feel that. I know how to feel anger, hurt, heart broken, disgust. Even if I don't tell anyone about it. I don;t understand why it;s soeasy to feel horrible...but so damned hard to feel happy.