You're such a mom

Someone said that to me this morning, it took the wind out of me. Sure they meant it kindly, but everything raged in me - "that's not all I am!"

But then I thought...what  or who else am I? And then the wind was taken from me again. I don't know. All over again, I have no idea who I am.

All this "trying" all this "making time for myself"...all those times I pushed it aside for someone else's needs. All the denial of that crashing down. Those inexplicable oceans of tears are now understood...again. Again I lie here not knowing anything.

How did I get here again? The crazies. I got here because I have not been enforcing my boundries and I gave up fighting for them. I got tired of fighting...I still don't understand why everything has to be a fight. Why can't there be words exchanged. Why does there have to be an endless exchange of resentment and tornadoes. Doesn't it tired you out? It exhausts me. I feel invisible I am so tired. I feel invisible for all the other reasons too.

Codependancy 101. Suckered into it all, all over again. I'm too tired to fight anymore.

Why should I feel guilty for smiling? And then you label me a negative person...hurt me to the core...because...I'm not. Am I? Maybe around you. Work is my escape. It is my away. So maybe it is around you because I'm sure as shit not negative here.

My poor child. My precious, sacred little bean. If only your parents were brave enough to break it off with each other. If only I could have the strength to try one more time and carry through with it.

And now the rage and the self disgust and the clawing, scratching, cackling that says I deserve it. All back once again.

I don't want time to myself. I want time away from you.

Last night I said "I just got that feeling....that things are never going to change. They aren't, are they?" And I felt such sadness when I spoke it...I know it was written all over my face because the tears were running down it. I didn't say it in anger...I was completely calm while everything was imploding. It was met with an angry, resentful hiss of "those are YOUR feelings" with the unsaid, "it's got nothing to do with me" which would of course be denied. I can understand why. But it's the truth...sigh.

I'm such a mom...yes. Proud of it. I want to be proud of me again, when I eventually find out who that is.

To whom it may concern

Last night, while I was crying myself to sleep, you were on my mind.

I remembered how deep a crush I had on you, and for how long. And how on the night someone else told me that you loved me, and I took you outside to talk about it, but no words were said or needed....except that I was leaving for Ireland forever, the next day, so all there were, were tears, eye contact - the kind I've never had again since, the kind that looks right into you - a long hug, and silence as I watched you walk to your car.

I will never forget.

I still hold a candle to you yes, and yes it is entirely inappropriate. And I would never want to actually be with you because the shame of being physical with you obliterates me. I will always wonder about what could have been but always be glad that it never went there.

I will always be thankful for the deep friendship we had, the kind of connection I've never experienced since, and never had before. I will admit that I am resentful that you have girlfriend now...but I am also happy that you have found what you were looking for.

Every time I see you, my self tears and gnashes for things to be different. In many ways. I am reminded of how I was, the things I wanted to do but never have, the connection we have but will never explore, the fact that I want to even just cuddle with you all night and how I am not allowed, even though it would just be cuddling. I am enraged and pacified at the same time. You have always had that effect on me. There will always be a you shaped hole in my heart, and the fissures will always occasionally vibrate through me and make my limbs ache from the sadness. You are the only person I have been that vulnerable to too. Except now I can't.

So now it is doubly inappropriate. and now I truly am alone, and that ashen, grey, dry, cracked place has become unbearable. I am no longer allowed to reach out to you, and I respect that unspoken boundry. But I never said it isn't killing me. It is for the best I know. And my own choice/fault that my screams will always now be silent. Share it with someone else? Never. Who? Who could I possibly let in enough for that. Don't be stupid. My facade has cracked, as it does once in a while, but I can feel those walls safely being built back up, even though my being is sobbing and begging me not to do it again.

Thank you for accepting me, even though a lot of me is not what you normally approve of. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for being a safe place for me to be seen.

I would like to cut things off completely now. I don't want this wholly inappropriate heartache anymore. I am married, even if it is not happily. You are in a relationship. I don't want this anymore, you can have it back. It's been too long. 10 years.

L

Exhausted

I didn't post this months ago. I am going to now. I am going to because things have changed. Because we have connected for the first time in our entire relationship. Because I opened up, suddenly and violently. And he took it and held it instead of throwing it back at me. It changed everything.

Yes I still get disappointed. Yes I still want to be alone. But only for a day or 2. Love. That is love. And I love my husband.

-----

I gave in. I can't uphold that boundary anymore. I'm sick of the guilt and of hurting him. With it, I am effectively selling myself. And the snarly "she" in me is rubbing her hands together in glee because I can't get any lower than this.

I don't want to have sex. The thought makes my skin crawl. That boundary was not to deliberately create distance. It was because I can't stand the thought and because I was trying to stand by me.

I recognise that it causes pain in him. It must be hard to not be wanted, I totally understand it. I hated myself for the boundary and hurt I was causing. I'm too tired to fight it anymore. 

Crying because I feel like I will properly lose myself by giving in to this. I'm too tried to fight for myself.

Why am I with him? Horrible reasons:

• I don't know how to try and break away. I've tried twice. I gave in both times because:
• I keep thinking things will change, my feelings will change, the trust will come back
• I'm worried about the consequences of how ending it will effect our daughter
• I don't want to hurt him...yet I recognise that I'm hurting him every day because I don't want to have sex
• I don't feel that way about him, I was getting there, and then he cheated on me. And then I wanted to see what would happen and how things would go if we stayed together. Then I got pregnant. I have never felt the way I should have about a husband. I did the first time we were together. I wanted to feel that again so badly. I tried to. So hard.
• I'm not being honest with either of us in relation to the above

Those are not reasons to stay in a marriage or any relationship. 

He's a good guy, a great dad, he's growing and maturing. He deserves more than what I can give him. All I have is companionship. He wants and needs so much more. He has his faults but we all do. I guess the past just killed it for me....and I tried to deny that it did. The past is the past...the future doesn't have to be this way. Can I force those feelings to come? I have tried to trust him but ...that doesn't seem to work out. Shall I just keep on faking this? Don't I deserve to be ME, doesn't he?

And yet here I am ...digging this whole thing deeper...making it more and more messy with every day that I don't tell the truth. When I do, the only thing that changes is that home life becomes unbearable...but neither of us leaves. Making it worse by agreeing to sex. It means something to him...but nothing to me. What kind of person does this?

How is any of this good for our daughter? 

He would say I never used to be like this. I have always been like this.  I just didn't want to be so badly that I made myself believe I was like everyone else, and that sex was something I wanted. It was what he wanted, so I gave it and made myself believe I was ok with it, that it was something I wanted. Ignored the voices that said I don't want this, I don't like this, I want to be left alone.

How is any of this ok?

None of it...none of it is ok!

What have I done? 

My journey

So...my journey.

Sigh.

Thoughts met with emptiness. I hate how the good stuff wears off so easily. Is it truly a choice to make it stay?

I found faith. it came via Jared Leto of all things. But I found it. End of Days. Live. Changed my life. I felt free.

Except...life has gone back to the way it was.

Does that mean things need to change, or is that just the way of things?

I tried shrooms for the first time. Last week.

It was horrible at first. Truly...because I couldn't let go. Realised how much I have a need to control myself. Then let go. It was good. I FELT my emotions. Really truly felt them and couldn't stop crying. Connected with myself. Was amazed by the world around me. It felt so good to be free. Just like I've always wanted. I tasted heaven and I KNOW it is inside me. But now..it has faded as well. Yeah the drugs wore off, so it makes sense that this would too. But why...why should it be like that? I found it. I found what I crave, what I hunger for. Freedom. Why does that have to fade as well?

I want to be amazed by every day life. I want to feel without restraint. Like I used to. Yes we all grow up and change...but those 2 things should be fundamental parts of who I am. In my opinion anyway. They felt right. They felt real. They made me happy. Why should they fade?

It's just...empty.

Do I like to be sad? Yes. Why? Because I know how to feel that. I know how to feel anger, hurt, heart broken, disgust. Even if I don't tell anyone about it. I don;t understand why it;s soeasy to feel horrible...but so damned hard to feel happy.

How dare you!?

And even here I try to censor myself, try to find words that deflect how I feel or minimise it so it doesn't really tell my story. Hide behind clever imagery and disjointed words that pose as some sort of superficial poetry.

I downplay my rage, my pain, my chaos in an effort to not be "melodramatic".

As if I don't deserve it. As if my own emotions don't mean a thing. As if I, mySELF, don't mean a thing.

Someone just told me I'm a good person. My reaction was to have to run to the toilet to  hide my tears.

Why can I not be a good person? Why must every nice thing said to me be a lie?

Those 4 words just broke through my mask completely. The mask that I have perfected to reflect the joy and brightness I wish I had. I used to have. I used to shine! I want to shine again.

How dare that person say such a wonderful thing to me. How dare he! How dare he touch that thing in me that tries to hard to hide. How dare he direct any kind of kindness at me. How dare his words cause that tiny crack to let things out.

How dare I stop those things from coming out. How dare I avert my eyes in shame in response to such wonderful words.

Deep in the gutty wuts

When someone you thought was at least a semi friend demonstrates that it's not so.

Rejection.

This one hurt I must admit. Takes a lot for me to let anyone in (codependant 101), so to be honest this has smacked me deep down and I couldn't breathe for a second.

But everyone is entitled to their boundaries. It's up to me to not take it personally and not build up my wall further.

It got me. Right there.

At some point though, I've gotta wonder if it's not actually me? Maybe I SHOULD just keep to myself. I always seem to be in this position of needing to retract a bit. Seems no relationship is easy to make, not friendship either. I don't think I'm overbearing or anything like that? Why does it always have to be because of a flaw I may or may not have.

Maybe I just keep choosing the wrong people to become friends with? Same with my romantic relationships. It's ok to not be suited to people, I know. Just when it's pretty much like you're not suited to anyone...not in any way? Granted most of my social interaction is with people at work...and most of the work people are younger than me and not in my interest sphere/alternative lifestyle.  So it would make sense that friendships are hard to strike up.

Think I am mostly hurt because I was not trusted enough. I opened up to trust, and it wasn't reciprocated. Not my thing hey? Let it go. Move on. Trail of discarded friendships. How sad. Real life though right.

Right in the guts though. Hard. Made my hands go numb.

I need to grow up. Reliving the moment in primary school where I realised I wasn't like everyone else and it made me feel humiliated. Was in my room for the day and my mum came in and asked me what was wrong and I burst into tears and told her I felt like a zero. Exactly how I'm feeling right. Pre-teen me making a comeback. Must've been hard for my mum too - not being able to ease her child's heartsoreness. I know it will be hard for me when my daughter experiences this type of thing too.

Life replaying cycles? Same space regarding friendships. Never really had a problem being a 'loner'....it just hits hard when you choose to share bits of yourself and you end up being put aside anyway. Which makes me think now....it's NOT me. It's their choice to do that. Just tired of everything being so shallow. I want deep relationships with people....how nice it would be to have someone around to TALK to ...to trust...to just spend time with. Be you. I guess that;s a lot of it too...dunno how to be me, I seem to need to only be bits of me if I want to make relationships. Is bullshit. Wrong people.

One day at a time.

Say no to drugs

I just want to shove my face into those delicious fries you get downstairs. couple it with a bag of chocolate cookies. Fritos. Sour chewy sweets. Oreo smoothie. A snack of course.

That's not even imaginary. I would normally do that. I'm not today though. It has to stop somewhere.

Instead of drowning out the pity party drag me down voices in food, I'm starving them of fuel.

Just for today.

Because: fuck you voices.

Fuck you world right now actually. But mostly fuck you voices.