When someone you thought was at least a semi friend demonstrates that it's not so.
Rejection.
This one hurt I must admit. Takes a lot for me to let anyone in (codependant 101), so to be honest this has smacked me deep down and I couldn't breathe for a second.
But everyone is entitled to their boundaries. It's up to me to not take it personally and not build up my wall further.
It got me. Right there.
At some point though, I've gotta wonder if it's not actually me? Maybe I SHOULD just keep to myself. I always seem to be in this position of needing to retract a bit. Seems no relationship is easy to make, not friendship either. I don't think I'm overbearing or anything like that? Why does it always have to be because of a flaw I may or may not have.
Maybe I just keep choosing the wrong people to become friends with? Same with my romantic relationships. It's ok to not be suited to people, I know. Just when it's pretty much like you're not suited to anyone...not in any way? Granted most of my social interaction is with people at work...and most of the work people are younger than me and not in my interest sphere/alternative lifestyle. So it would make sense that friendships are hard to strike up.
Think I am mostly hurt because I was not trusted enough. I opened up to trust, and it wasn't reciprocated. Not my thing hey? Let it go. Move on. Trail of discarded friendships. How sad. Real life though right.
Right in the guts though. Hard. Made my hands go numb.
I need to grow up. Reliving the moment in primary school where I realised I wasn't like everyone else and it made me feel humiliated. Was in my room for the day and my mum came in and asked me what was wrong and I burst into tears and told her I felt like a zero. Exactly how I'm feeling right. Pre-teen me making a comeback. Must've been hard for my mum too - not being able to ease her child's heartsoreness. I know it will be hard for me when my daughter experiences this type of thing too.
Life replaying cycles? Same space regarding friendships. Never really had a problem being a 'loner'....it just hits hard when you choose to share bits of yourself and you end up being put aside anyway. Which makes me think now....it's NOT me. It's their choice to do that. Just tired of everything being so shallow. I want deep relationships with people....how nice it would be to have someone around to TALK to ...to trust...to just spend time with. Be you. I guess that;s a lot of it too...dunno how to be me, I seem to need to only be bits of me if I want to make relationships. Is bullshit. Wrong people.
One day at a time.
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