Last night, while I was crying myself to sleep, you were on my mind.
I remembered how deep a crush I had on you, and for how long. And how on the night someone else told me that you loved me, and I took you outside to talk about it, but no words were said or needed....except that I was leaving for Ireland forever, the next day, so all there were, were tears, eye contact - the kind I've never had again since, the kind that looks right into you - a long hug, and silence as I watched you walk to your car.
I will never forget.
I still hold a candle to you yes, and yes it is entirely inappropriate. And I would never want to actually be with you because the shame of being physical with you obliterates me. I will always wonder about what could have been but always be glad that it never went there.
I will always be thankful for the deep friendship we had, the kind of connection I've never experienced since, and never had before. I will admit that I am resentful that you have girlfriend now...but I am also happy that you have found what you were looking for.
Every time I see you, my self tears and gnashes for things to be different. In many ways. I am reminded of how I was, the things I wanted to do but never have, the connection we have but will never explore, the fact that I want to even just cuddle with you all night and how I am not allowed, even though it would just be cuddling. I am enraged and pacified at the same time. You have always had that effect on me. There will always be a you shaped hole in my heart, and the fissures will always occasionally vibrate through me and make my limbs ache from the sadness. You are the only person I have been that vulnerable to too. Except now I can't.
So now it is doubly inappropriate. and now I truly am alone, and that ashen, grey, dry, cracked place has become unbearable. I am no longer allowed to reach out to you, and I respect that unspoken boundry. But I never said it isn't killing me. It is for the best I know. And my own choice/fault that my screams will always now be silent. Share it with someone else? Never. Who? Who could I possibly let in enough for that. Don't be stupid. My facade has cracked, as it does once in a while, but I can feel those walls safely being built back up, even though my being is sobbing and begging me not to do it again.
Thank you for accepting me, even though a lot of me is not what you normally approve of. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for being a safe place for me to be seen.
I would like to cut things off completely now. I don't want this wholly inappropriate heartache anymore. I am married, even if it is not happily. You are in a relationship. I don't want this anymore, you can have it back. It's been too long. 10 years.
L
