Someone said that to me this morning, it took the wind out of me. Sure they meant it kindly, but everything raged in me - "that's not all I am!"
But then I thought...what or who else am I? And then the wind was taken from me again. I don't know. All over again, I have no idea who I am.
All this "trying" all this "making time for myself"...all those times I pushed it aside for someone else's needs. All the denial of that crashing down. Those inexplicable oceans of tears are now understood...again. Again I lie here not knowing anything.
How did I get here again? The crazies. I got here because I have not been enforcing my boundries and I gave up fighting for them. I got tired of fighting...I still don't understand why everything has to be a fight. Why can't there be words exchanged. Why does there have to be an endless exchange of resentment and tornadoes. Doesn't it tired you out? It exhausts me. I feel invisible I am so tired. I feel invisible for all the other reasons too.
Codependancy 101. Suckered into it all, all over again. I'm too tired to fight anymore.
Why should I feel guilty for smiling? And then you label me a negative person...hurt me to the core...because...I'm not. Am I? Maybe around you. Work is my escape. It is my away. So maybe it is around you because I'm sure as shit not negative here.
My poor child. My precious, sacred little bean. If only your parents were brave enough to break it off with each other. If only I could have the strength to try one more time and carry through with it.
And now the rage and the self disgust and the clawing, scratching, cackling that says I deserve it. All back once again.
I don't want time to myself. I want time away from you.
Last night I said "I just got that feeling....that things are never going to change. They aren't, are they?" And I felt such sadness when I spoke it...I know it was written all over my face because the tears were running down it. I didn't say it in anger...I was completely calm while everything was imploding. It was met with an angry, resentful hiss of "those are YOUR feelings" with the unsaid, "it's got nothing to do with me" which would of course be denied. I can understand why. But it's the truth...sigh.
I'm such a mom...yes. Proud of it. I want to be proud of me again, when I eventually find out who that is.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Sunday, September 27, 2015
To whom it may concern
Last night, while I was crying myself to sleep, you were on my mind.
I remembered how deep a crush I had on you, and for how long. And how on the night someone else told me that you loved me, and I took you outside to talk about it, but no words were said or needed....except that I was leaving for Ireland forever, the next day, so all there were, were tears, eye contact - the kind I've never had again since, the kind that looks right into you - a long hug, and silence as I watched you walk to your car.
I will never forget.
I still hold a candle to you yes, and yes it is entirely inappropriate. And I would never want to actually be with you because the shame of being physical with you obliterates me. I will always wonder about what could have been but always be glad that it never went there.
I will always be thankful for the deep friendship we had, the kind of connection I've never experienced since, and never had before. I will admit that I am resentful that you have girlfriend now...but I am also happy that you have found what you were looking for.
Every time I see you, my self tears and gnashes for things to be different. In many ways. I am reminded of how I was, the things I wanted to do but never have, the connection we have but will never explore, the fact that I want to even just cuddle with you all night and how I am not allowed, even though it would just be cuddling. I am enraged and pacified at the same time. You have always had that effect on me. There will always be a you shaped hole in my heart, and the fissures will always occasionally vibrate through me and make my limbs ache from the sadness. You are the only person I have been that vulnerable to too. Except now I can't.
So now it is doubly inappropriate. and now I truly am alone, and that ashen, grey, dry, cracked place has become unbearable. I am no longer allowed to reach out to you, and I respect that unspoken boundry. But I never said it isn't killing me. It is for the best I know. And my own choice/fault that my screams will always now be silent. Share it with someone else? Never. Who? Who could I possibly let in enough for that. Don't be stupid. My facade has cracked, as it does once in a while, but I can feel those walls safely being built back up, even though my being is sobbing and begging me not to do it again.
Thank you for accepting me, even though a lot of me is not what you normally approve of. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for being a safe place for me to be seen.
I would like to cut things off completely now. I don't want this wholly inappropriate heartache anymore. I am married, even if it is not happily. You are in a relationship. I don't want this anymore, you can have it back. It's been too long. 10 years.
L
I remembered how deep a crush I had on you, and for how long. And how on the night someone else told me that you loved me, and I took you outside to talk about it, but no words were said or needed....except that I was leaving for Ireland forever, the next day, so all there were, were tears, eye contact - the kind I've never had again since, the kind that looks right into you - a long hug, and silence as I watched you walk to your car.
I will never forget.
I still hold a candle to you yes, and yes it is entirely inappropriate. And I would never want to actually be with you because the shame of being physical with you obliterates me. I will always wonder about what could have been but always be glad that it never went there.
I will always be thankful for the deep friendship we had, the kind of connection I've never experienced since, and never had before. I will admit that I am resentful that you have girlfriend now...but I am also happy that you have found what you were looking for.
Every time I see you, my self tears and gnashes for things to be different. In many ways. I am reminded of how I was, the things I wanted to do but never have, the connection we have but will never explore, the fact that I want to even just cuddle with you all night and how I am not allowed, even though it would just be cuddling. I am enraged and pacified at the same time. You have always had that effect on me. There will always be a you shaped hole in my heart, and the fissures will always occasionally vibrate through me and make my limbs ache from the sadness. You are the only person I have been that vulnerable to too. Except now I can't.
So now it is doubly inappropriate. and now I truly am alone, and that ashen, grey, dry, cracked place has become unbearable. I am no longer allowed to reach out to you, and I respect that unspoken boundry. But I never said it isn't killing me. It is for the best I know. And my own choice/fault that my screams will always now be silent. Share it with someone else? Never. Who? Who could I possibly let in enough for that. Don't be stupid. My facade has cracked, as it does once in a while, but I can feel those walls safely being built back up, even though my being is sobbing and begging me not to do it again.
Thank you for accepting me, even though a lot of me is not what you normally approve of. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for being a safe place for me to be seen.
I would like to cut things off completely now. I don't want this wholly inappropriate heartache anymore. I am married, even if it is not happily. You are in a relationship. I don't want this anymore, you can have it back. It's been too long. 10 years.
L
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