Exhausted

I didn't post this months ago. I am going to now. I am going to because things have changed. Because we have connected for the first time in our entire relationship. Because I opened up, suddenly and violently. And he took it and held it instead of throwing it back at me. It changed everything.

Yes I still get disappointed. Yes I still want to be alone. But only for a day or 2. Love. That is love. And I love my husband.

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I gave in. I can't uphold that boundary anymore. I'm sick of the guilt and of hurting him. With it, I am effectively selling myself. And the snarly "she" in me is rubbing her hands together in glee because I can't get any lower than this.

I don't want to have sex. The thought makes my skin crawl. That boundary was not to deliberately create distance. It was because I can't stand the thought and because I was trying to stand by me.

I recognise that it causes pain in him. It must be hard to not be wanted, I totally understand it. I hated myself for the boundary and hurt I was causing. I'm too tired to fight it anymore. 

Crying because I feel like I will properly lose myself by giving in to this. I'm too tried to fight for myself.

Why am I with him? Horrible reasons:

• I don't know how to try and break away. I've tried twice. I gave in both times because:
• I keep thinking things will change, my feelings will change, the trust will come back
• I'm worried about the consequences of how ending it will effect our daughter
• I don't want to hurt him...yet I recognise that I'm hurting him every day because I don't want to have sex
• I don't feel that way about him, I was getting there, and then he cheated on me. And then I wanted to see what would happen and how things would go if we stayed together. Then I got pregnant. I have never felt the way I should have about a husband. I did the first time we were together. I wanted to feel that again so badly. I tried to. So hard.
• I'm not being honest with either of us in relation to the above

Those are not reasons to stay in a marriage or any relationship. 

He's a good guy, a great dad, he's growing and maturing. He deserves more than what I can give him. All I have is companionship. He wants and needs so much more. He has his faults but we all do. I guess the past just killed it for me....and I tried to deny that it did. The past is the past...the future doesn't have to be this way. Can I force those feelings to come? I have tried to trust him but ...that doesn't seem to work out. Shall I just keep on faking this? Don't I deserve to be ME, doesn't he?

And yet here I am ...digging this whole thing deeper...making it more and more messy with every day that I don't tell the truth. When I do, the only thing that changes is that home life becomes unbearable...but neither of us leaves. Making it worse by agreeing to sex. It means something to him...but nothing to me. What kind of person does this?

How is any of this good for our daughter? 

He would say I never used to be like this. I have always been like this.  I just didn't want to be so badly that I made myself believe I was like everyone else, and that sex was something I wanted. It was what he wanted, so I gave it and made myself believe I was ok with it, that it was something I wanted. Ignored the voices that said I don't want this, I don't like this, I want to be left alone.

How is any of this ok?

None of it...none of it is ok!

What have I done? 

My journey

So...my journey.

Sigh.

Thoughts met with emptiness. I hate how the good stuff wears off so easily. Is it truly a choice to make it stay?

I found faith. it came via Jared Leto of all things. But I found it. End of Days. Live. Changed my life. I felt free.

Except...life has gone back to the way it was.

Does that mean things need to change, or is that just the way of things?

I tried shrooms for the first time. Last week.

It was horrible at first. Truly...because I couldn't let go. Realised how much I have a need to control myself. Then let go. It was good. I FELT my emotions. Really truly felt them and couldn't stop crying. Connected with myself. Was amazed by the world around me. It felt so good to be free. Just like I've always wanted. I tasted heaven and I KNOW it is inside me. But now..it has faded as well. Yeah the drugs wore off, so it makes sense that this would too. But why...why should it be like that? I found it. I found what I crave, what I hunger for. Freedom. Why does that have to fade as well?

I want to be amazed by every day life. I want to feel without restraint. Like I used to. Yes we all grow up and change...but those 2 things should be fundamental parts of who I am. In my opinion anyway. They felt right. They felt real. They made me happy. Why should they fade?

It's just...empty.

Do I like to be sad? Yes. Why? Because I know how to feel that. I know how to feel anger, hurt, heart broken, disgust. Even if I don't tell anyone about it. I don;t understand why it;s soeasy to feel horrible...but so damned hard to feel happy.