Exhausted

I didn't post this months ago. I am going to now. I am going to because things have changed. Because we have connected for the first time in our entire relationship. Because I opened up, suddenly and violently. And he took it and held it instead of throwing it back at me. It changed everything.

Yes I still get disappointed. Yes I still want to be alone. But only for a day or 2. Love. That is love. And I love my husband.

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I gave in. I can't uphold that boundary anymore. I'm sick of the guilt and of hurting him. With it, I am effectively selling myself. And the snarly "she" in me is rubbing her hands together in glee because I can't get any lower than this.

I don't want to have sex. The thought makes my skin crawl. That boundary was not to deliberately create distance. It was because I can't stand the thought and because I was trying to stand by me.

I recognise that it causes pain in him. It must be hard to not be wanted, I totally understand it. I hated myself for the boundary and hurt I was causing. I'm too tired to fight it anymore. 

Crying because I feel like I will properly lose myself by giving in to this. I'm too tried to fight for myself.

Why am I with him? Horrible reasons:

• I don't know how to try and break away. I've tried twice. I gave in both times because:
• I keep thinking things will change, my feelings will change, the trust will come back
• I'm worried about the consequences of how ending it will effect our daughter
• I don't want to hurt him...yet I recognise that I'm hurting him every day because I don't want to have sex
• I don't feel that way about him, I was getting there, and then he cheated on me. And then I wanted to see what would happen and how things would go if we stayed together. Then I got pregnant. I have never felt the way I should have about a husband. I did the first time we were together. I wanted to feel that again so badly. I tried to. So hard.
• I'm not being honest with either of us in relation to the above

Those are not reasons to stay in a marriage or any relationship. 

He's a good guy, a great dad, he's growing and maturing. He deserves more than what I can give him. All I have is companionship. He wants and needs so much more. He has his faults but we all do. I guess the past just killed it for me....and I tried to deny that it did. The past is the past...the future doesn't have to be this way. Can I force those feelings to come? I have tried to trust him but ...that doesn't seem to work out. Shall I just keep on faking this? Don't I deserve to be ME, doesn't he?

And yet here I am ...digging this whole thing deeper...making it more and more messy with every day that I don't tell the truth. When I do, the only thing that changes is that home life becomes unbearable...but neither of us leaves. Making it worse by agreeing to sex. It means something to him...but nothing to me. What kind of person does this?

How is any of this good for our daughter? 

He would say I never used to be like this. I have always been like this.  I just didn't want to be so badly that I made myself believe I was like everyone else, and that sex was something I wanted. It was what he wanted, so I gave it and made myself believe I was ok with it, that it was something I wanted. Ignored the voices that said I don't want this, I don't like this, I want to be left alone.

How is any of this ok?

None of it...none of it is ok!

What have I done? 

My journey

So...my journey.

Sigh.

Thoughts met with emptiness. I hate how the good stuff wears off so easily. Is it truly a choice to make it stay?

I found faith. it came via Jared Leto of all things. But I found it. End of Days. Live. Changed my life. I felt free.

Except...life has gone back to the way it was.

Does that mean things need to change, or is that just the way of things?

I tried shrooms for the first time. Last week.

It was horrible at first. Truly...because I couldn't let go. Realised how much I have a need to control myself. Then let go. It was good. I FELT my emotions. Really truly felt them and couldn't stop crying. Connected with myself. Was amazed by the world around me. It felt so good to be free. Just like I've always wanted. I tasted heaven and I KNOW it is inside me. But now..it has faded as well. Yeah the drugs wore off, so it makes sense that this would too. But why...why should it be like that? I found it. I found what I crave, what I hunger for. Freedom. Why does that have to fade as well?

I want to be amazed by every day life. I want to feel without restraint. Like I used to. Yes we all grow up and change...but those 2 things should be fundamental parts of who I am. In my opinion anyway. They felt right. They felt real. They made me happy. Why should they fade?

It's just...empty.

Do I like to be sad? Yes. Why? Because I know how to feel that. I know how to feel anger, hurt, heart broken, disgust. Even if I don't tell anyone about it. I don;t understand why it;s soeasy to feel horrible...but so damned hard to feel happy.

How dare you!?

And even here I try to censor myself, try to find words that deflect how I feel or minimise it so it doesn't really tell my story. Hide behind clever imagery and disjointed words that pose as some sort of superficial poetry.

I downplay my rage, my pain, my chaos in an effort to not be "melodramatic".

As if I don't deserve it. As if my own emotions don't mean a thing. As if I, mySELF, don't mean a thing.

Someone just told me I'm a good person. My reaction was to have to run to the toilet to  hide my tears.

Why can I not be a good person? Why must every nice thing said to me be a lie?

Those 4 words just broke through my mask completely. The mask that I have perfected to reflect the joy and brightness I wish I had. I used to have. I used to shine! I want to shine again.

How dare that person say such a wonderful thing to me. How dare he! How dare he touch that thing in me that tries to hard to hide. How dare he direct any kind of kindness at me. How dare his words cause that tiny crack to let things out.

How dare I stop those things from coming out. How dare I avert my eyes in shame in response to such wonderful words.

Deep in the gutty wuts

When someone you thought was at least a semi friend demonstrates that it's not so.

Rejection.

This one hurt I must admit. Takes a lot for me to let anyone in (codependant 101), so to be honest this has smacked me deep down and I couldn't breathe for a second.

But everyone is entitled to their boundaries. It's up to me to not take it personally and not build up my wall further.

It got me. Right there.

At some point though, I've gotta wonder if it's not actually me? Maybe I SHOULD just keep to myself. I always seem to be in this position of needing to retract a bit. Seems no relationship is easy to make, not friendship either. I don't think I'm overbearing or anything like that? Why does it always have to be because of a flaw I may or may not have.

Maybe I just keep choosing the wrong people to become friends with? Same with my romantic relationships. It's ok to not be suited to people, I know. Just when it's pretty much like you're not suited to anyone...not in any way? Granted most of my social interaction is with people at work...and most of the work people are younger than me and not in my interest sphere/alternative lifestyle.  So it would make sense that friendships are hard to strike up.

Think I am mostly hurt because I was not trusted enough. I opened up to trust, and it wasn't reciprocated. Not my thing hey? Let it go. Move on. Trail of discarded friendships. How sad. Real life though right.

Right in the guts though. Hard. Made my hands go numb.

I need to grow up. Reliving the moment in primary school where I realised I wasn't like everyone else and it made me feel humiliated. Was in my room for the day and my mum came in and asked me what was wrong and I burst into tears and told her I felt like a zero. Exactly how I'm feeling right. Pre-teen me making a comeback. Must've been hard for my mum too - not being able to ease her child's heartsoreness. I know it will be hard for me when my daughter experiences this type of thing too.

Life replaying cycles? Same space regarding friendships. Never really had a problem being a 'loner'....it just hits hard when you choose to share bits of yourself and you end up being put aside anyway. Which makes me think now....it's NOT me. It's their choice to do that. Just tired of everything being so shallow. I want deep relationships with people....how nice it would be to have someone around to TALK to ...to trust...to just spend time with. Be you. I guess that;s a lot of it too...dunno how to be me, I seem to need to only be bits of me if I want to make relationships. Is bullshit. Wrong people.

One day at a time.

Say no to drugs

I just want to shove my face into those delicious fries you get downstairs. couple it with a bag of chocolate cookies. Fritos. Sour chewy sweets. Oreo smoothie. A snack of course.

That's not even imaginary. I would normally do that. I'm not today though. It has to stop somewhere.

Instead of drowning out the pity party drag me down voices in food, I'm starving them of fuel.

Just for today.

Because: fuck you voices.

Fuck you world right now actually. But mostly fuck you voices.

Hi, I'm Leila

And I'm co-dependant.

I'm also an overeater.

I have given myself permission to have this space to say what I truly feel. To write what I truly think.

This is terrifying for me.

How do you know how you truly feel? How do you get to that amoungst all of the crap? How do you actually let that crap out? Do you stand at the edge of  lake and scream until you lose your voice? Do you cry so hard you can no longer stand?

The thought of having that kind of outlet is amazing to me. It's something I want so bad. I have no idea how to get there. Sometimes it starts coming out in tears but then just as quickly it's not so calmly stuffed right back down the rabbit hole of feels.

I ache for release. I wish it WAS the sexual kind I wanted. That would be so much easier. I could do it myself even.

Trying to do this myself? I don't know where to start.

I want to scream out to people "WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME...PLEASE...PLEASE SEE ME!" but I refuse to show them.

So desperate to be free, but I can't even breathe without restricting how I do that. Don't breathe too fast, you will wobble. You will draw attention to how fat you are. Don't yawn without covering your entire face. No one wants to see that disgusting double chin.

Do you understand how hard it is to type these words? To take them out of my head and put them somewhere else.

Maybe I'll just eat a muffin instead. Have a slab of chocolate. Some crisps. Fuck it you know, it's just food. Food that has made me disgusting. Because you are you know. Disgusting. You're not really worth much are you? Not REALLY. How pathetic. Stop wallowing for fucks sake.

There are other people out there who think like this too. To them I want to say I am so sorry that you go through this. You have my deepest sympathy. It a fucking horrible way to live and I hope you...we...can find our way out of it.

There's the cry. Bubbling up. It's a bit like the mole game at the arcade "squeak" SLAM "squeak SLAM.

No release for you Leila. You deserve to rot in it.  Of course you do? Why shouldn't you?

PLEASE SEE ME.