Hi, I'm Leila

And I'm co-dependant.

I'm also an overeater.

I have given myself permission to have this space to say what I truly feel. To write what I truly think.

This is terrifying for me.

How do you know how you truly feel? How do you get to that amoungst all of the crap? How do you actually let that crap out? Do you stand at the edge of  lake and scream until you lose your voice? Do you cry so hard you can no longer stand?

The thought of having that kind of outlet is amazing to me. It's something I want so bad. I have no idea how to get there. Sometimes it starts coming out in tears but then just as quickly it's not so calmly stuffed right back down the rabbit hole of feels.

I ache for release. I wish it WAS the sexual kind I wanted. That would be so much easier. I could do it myself even.

Trying to do this myself? I don't know where to start.

I want to scream out to people "WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME...PLEASE...PLEASE SEE ME!" but I refuse to show them.

So desperate to be free, but I can't even breathe without restricting how I do that. Don't breathe too fast, you will wobble. You will draw attention to how fat you are. Don't yawn without covering your entire face. No one wants to see that disgusting double chin.

Do you understand how hard it is to type these words? To take them out of my head and put them somewhere else.

Maybe I'll just eat a muffin instead. Have a slab of chocolate. Some crisps. Fuck it you know, it's just food. Food that has made me disgusting. Because you are you know. Disgusting. You're not really worth much are you? Not REALLY. How pathetic. Stop wallowing for fucks sake.

There are other people out there who think like this too. To them I want to say I am so sorry that you go through this. You have my deepest sympathy. It a fucking horrible way to live and I hope you...we...can find our way out of it.

There's the cry. Bubbling up. It's a bit like the mole game at the arcade "squeak" SLAM "squeak SLAM.

No release for you Leila. You deserve to rot in it.  Of course you do? Why shouldn't you?

PLEASE SEE ME.