And even here I try to censor myself, try to find words that deflect how I feel or minimise it so it doesn't really tell my story. Hide behind clever imagery and disjointed words that pose as some sort of superficial poetry.
I downplay my rage, my pain, my chaos in an effort to not be "melodramatic".
As if I don't deserve it. As if my own emotions don't mean a thing. As if I, mySELF, don't mean a thing.
Someone just told me I'm a good person. My reaction was to have to run to the toilet to hide my tears.
Why can I not be a good person? Why must every nice thing said to me be a lie?
Those 4 words just broke through my mask completely. The mask that I have perfected to reflect the joy and brightness I wish I had. I used to have. I used to shine! I want to shine again.
How dare that person say such a wonderful thing to me. How dare he! How dare he touch that thing in me that tries to hard to hide. How dare he direct any kind of kindness at me. How dare his words cause that tiny crack to let things out.
How dare I stop those things from coming out. How dare I avert my eyes in shame in response to such wonderful words.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Deep in the gutty wuts
When someone you thought was at least a semi friend demonstrates that it's not so.
Rejection.
This one hurt I must admit. Takes a lot for me to let anyone in (codependant 101), so to be honest this has smacked me deep down and I couldn't breathe for a second.
But everyone is entitled to their boundaries. It's up to me to not take it personally and not build up my wall further.
It got me. Right there.
At some point though, I've gotta wonder if it's not actually me? Maybe I SHOULD just keep to myself. I always seem to be in this position of needing to retract a bit. Seems no relationship is easy to make, not friendship either. I don't think I'm overbearing or anything like that? Why does it always have to be because of a flaw I may or may not have.
Maybe I just keep choosing the wrong people to become friends with? Same with my romantic relationships. It's ok to not be suited to people, I know. Just when it's pretty much like you're not suited to anyone...not in any way? Granted most of my social interaction is with people at work...and most of the work people are younger than me and not in my interest sphere/alternative lifestyle. So it would make sense that friendships are hard to strike up.
Think I am mostly hurt because I was not trusted enough. I opened up to trust, and it wasn't reciprocated. Not my thing hey? Let it go. Move on. Trail of discarded friendships. How sad. Real life though right.
Right in the guts though. Hard. Made my hands go numb.
I need to grow up. Reliving the moment in primary school where I realised I wasn't like everyone else and it made me feel humiliated. Was in my room for the day and my mum came in and asked me what was wrong and I burst into tears and told her I felt like a zero. Exactly how I'm feeling right. Pre-teen me making a comeback. Must've been hard for my mum too - not being able to ease her child's heartsoreness. I know it will be hard for me when my daughter experiences this type of thing too.
Life replaying cycles? Same space regarding friendships. Never really had a problem being a 'loner'....it just hits hard when you choose to share bits of yourself and you end up being put aside anyway. Which makes me think now....it's NOT me. It's their choice to do that. Just tired of everything being so shallow. I want deep relationships with people....how nice it would be to have someone around to TALK to ...to trust...to just spend time with. Be you. I guess that;s a lot of it too...dunno how to be me, I seem to need to only be bits of me if I want to make relationships. Is bullshit. Wrong people.
One day at a time.
Rejection.
This one hurt I must admit. Takes a lot for me to let anyone in (codependant 101), so to be honest this has smacked me deep down and I couldn't breathe for a second.
But everyone is entitled to their boundaries. It's up to me to not take it personally and not build up my wall further.
It got me. Right there.
At some point though, I've gotta wonder if it's not actually me? Maybe I SHOULD just keep to myself. I always seem to be in this position of needing to retract a bit. Seems no relationship is easy to make, not friendship either. I don't think I'm overbearing or anything like that? Why does it always have to be because of a flaw I may or may not have.
Maybe I just keep choosing the wrong people to become friends with? Same with my romantic relationships. It's ok to not be suited to people, I know. Just when it's pretty much like you're not suited to anyone...not in any way? Granted most of my social interaction is with people at work...and most of the work people are younger than me and not in my interest sphere/alternative lifestyle. So it would make sense that friendships are hard to strike up.
Think I am mostly hurt because I was not trusted enough. I opened up to trust, and it wasn't reciprocated. Not my thing hey? Let it go. Move on. Trail of discarded friendships. How sad. Real life though right.
Right in the guts though. Hard. Made my hands go numb.
I need to grow up. Reliving the moment in primary school where I realised I wasn't like everyone else and it made me feel humiliated. Was in my room for the day and my mum came in and asked me what was wrong and I burst into tears and told her I felt like a zero. Exactly how I'm feeling right. Pre-teen me making a comeback. Must've been hard for my mum too - not being able to ease her child's heartsoreness. I know it will be hard for me when my daughter experiences this type of thing too.
Life replaying cycles? Same space regarding friendships. Never really had a problem being a 'loner'....it just hits hard when you choose to share bits of yourself and you end up being put aside anyway. Which makes me think now....it's NOT me. It's their choice to do that. Just tired of everything being so shallow. I want deep relationships with people....how nice it would be to have someone around to TALK to ...to trust...to just spend time with. Be you. I guess that;s a lot of it too...dunno how to be me, I seem to need to only be bits of me if I want to make relationships. Is bullshit. Wrong people.
One day at a time.
Say no to drugs
I just want to shove my face into those delicious fries you get downstairs. couple it with a bag of chocolate cookies. Fritos. Sour chewy sweets. Oreo smoothie. A snack of course.
That's not even imaginary. I would normally do that. I'm not today though. It has to stop somewhere.
Instead of drowning out the pity party drag me down voices in food, I'm starving them of fuel.
Just for today.
Because: fuck you voices.
Fuck you world right now actually. But mostly fuck you voices.
That's not even imaginary. I would normally do that. I'm not today though. It has to stop somewhere.
Instead of drowning out the pity party drag me down voices in food, I'm starving them of fuel.
Just for today.
Because: fuck you voices.
Fuck you world right now actually. But mostly fuck you voices.
Hi, I'm Leila
And I'm co-dependant.
I'm also an overeater.
I have given myself permission to have this space to say what I truly feel. To write what I truly think.
This is terrifying for me.
How do you know how you truly feel? How do you get to that amoungst all of the crap? How do you actually let that crap out? Do you stand at the edge of lake and scream until you lose your voice? Do you cry so hard you can no longer stand?
The thought of having that kind of outlet is amazing to me. It's something I want so bad. I have no idea how to get there. Sometimes it starts coming out in tears but then just as quickly it's not so calmly stuffed right back down the rabbit hole of feels.
I ache for release. I wish it WAS the sexual kind I wanted. That would be so much easier. I could do it myself even.
Trying to do this myself? I don't know where to start.
I want to scream out to people "WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME...PLEASE...PLEASE SEE ME!" but I refuse to show them.
So desperate to be free, but I can't even breathe without restricting how I do that. Don't breathe too fast, you will wobble. You will draw attention to how fat you are. Don't yawn without covering your entire face. No one wants to see that disgusting double chin.
Do you understand how hard it is to type these words? To take them out of my head and put them somewhere else.
Maybe I'll just eat a muffin instead. Have a slab of chocolate. Some crisps. Fuck it you know, it's just food. Food that has made me disgusting. Because you are you know. Disgusting. You're not really worth much are you? Not REALLY. How pathetic. Stop wallowing for fucks sake.
There are other people out there who think like this too. To them I want to say I am so sorry that you go through this. You have my deepest sympathy. It a fucking horrible way to live and I hope you...we...can find our way out of it.
There's the cry. Bubbling up. It's a bit like the mole game at the arcade "squeak" SLAM "squeak SLAM.
No release for you Leila. You deserve to rot in it. Of course you do? Why shouldn't you?
PLEASE SEE ME.
I'm also an overeater.
I have given myself permission to have this space to say what I truly feel. To write what I truly think.
This is terrifying for me.
How do you know how you truly feel? How do you get to that amoungst all of the crap? How do you actually let that crap out? Do you stand at the edge of lake and scream until you lose your voice? Do you cry so hard you can no longer stand?
The thought of having that kind of outlet is amazing to me. It's something I want so bad. I have no idea how to get there. Sometimes it starts coming out in tears but then just as quickly it's not so calmly stuffed right back down the rabbit hole of feels.
I ache for release. I wish it WAS the sexual kind I wanted. That would be so much easier. I could do it myself even.
Trying to do this myself? I don't know where to start.
I want to scream out to people "WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME...PLEASE...PLEASE SEE ME!" but I refuse to show them.
So desperate to be free, but I can't even breathe without restricting how I do that. Don't breathe too fast, you will wobble. You will draw attention to how fat you are. Don't yawn without covering your entire face. No one wants to see that disgusting double chin.
Do you understand how hard it is to type these words? To take them out of my head and put them somewhere else.
Maybe I'll just eat a muffin instead. Have a slab of chocolate. Some crisps. Fuck it you know, it's just food. Food that has made me disgusting. Because you are you know. Disgusting. You're not really worth much are you? Not REALLY. How pathetic. Stop wallowing for fucks sake.
There are other people out there who think like this too. To them I want to say I am so sorry that you go through this. You have my deepest sympathy. It a fucking horrible way to live and I hope you...we...can find our way out of it.
There's the cry. Bubbling up. It's a bit like the mole game at the arcade "squeak" SLAM "squeak SLAM.
No release for you Leila. You deserve to rot in it. Of course you do? Why shouldn't you?
PLEASE SEE ME.
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