You're such a mom

Someone said that to me this morning, it took the wind out of me. Sure they meant it kindly, but everything raged in me - "that's not all I am!"

But then I thought...what  or who else am I? And then the wind was taken from me again. I don't know. All over again, I have no idea who I am.

All this "trying" all this "making time for myself"...all those times I pushed it aside for someone else's needs. All the denial of that crashing down. Those inexplicable oceans of tears are now understood...again. Again I lie here not knowing anything.

How did I get here again? The crazies. I got here because I have not been enforcing my boundries and I gave up fighting for them. I got tired of fighting...I still don't understand why everything has to be a fight. Why can't there be words exchanged. Why does there have to be an endless exchange of resentment and tornadoes. Doesn't it tired you out? It exhausts me. I feel invisible I am so tired. I feel invisible for all the other reasons too.

Codependancy 101. Suckered into it all, all over again. I'm too tired to fight anymore.

Why should I feel guilty for smiling? And then you label me a negative person...hurt me to the core...because...I'm not. Am I? Maybe around you. Work is my escape. It is my away. So maybe it is around you because I'm sure as shit not negative here.

My poor child. My precious, sacred little bean. If only your parents were brave enough to break it off with each other. If only I could have the strength to try one more time and carry through with it.

And now the rage and the self disgust and the clawing, scratching, cackling that says I deserve it. All back once again.

I don't want time to myself. I want time away from you.

Last night I said "I just got that feeling....that things are never going to change. They aren't, are they?" And I felt such sadness when I spoke it...I know it was written all over my face because the tears were running down it. I didn't say it in anger...I was completely calm while everything was imploding. It was met with an angry, resentful hiss of "those are YOUR feelings" with the unsaid, "it's got nothing to do with me" which would of course be denied. I can understand why. But it's the truth...sigh.

I'm such a mom...yes. Proud of it. I want to be proud of me again, when I eventually find out who that is.